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  • autumnrainpower

october 7, 2023

i feel sadness. overwhelming sadness, and numbness too. i wonder if there's anyone out there for me. i write this to the wind, blow a butterfly in the right direction for me, please.

i don't know what i'm doing with my life. i spend all my energy on talking into the oblivion online, waiting for someone to talk back to me. and they do. i just wish it was the someone. i feel like i might be incapable of love. i used to think i was just unlovable, but it turns out i am way too scared to let someone love me. im terrified of myself. im terrified of the real world. i still haven't been there. i don;t want to go. the only truths i know are lies i learned from TV.

I don't want to be here in this place. i do not belong here. this i have always known and every so often, it becomes more and more apparent to me. i don't belong here. is there anything but here? I have to believe that for my own sake. Who am I? Is this stupid? should i just screw my head back on, open my eyes, and realize that I'm just a self-absorbed sheltered idiot who should shut up, stop whining, and just do the thing? Is this what's true? I just feel so much. I feel so much and I can never explain it really, because I don't think anybody would truly understand. I know how that sound. Selfish, blind, and arrogant. I don't think I'm special. I think I was a mistake, or an error, because I know this isn't where I belong. Would it all be different in California? Or Georgia? Or London? I think the hard truth is no. I have to do this. I have to wait it out. Wait until it's over and maybe I will return to where I truly belong, if that's anywhere.

I don't know how to do anything here, but I don't want to just "live" this wrong life, waiting for it to be over. Maybe I'll find a deeper meaning of myself in my time here. That's all I can hope for.

I think atheists are the real idiots. True, Jesus Christ probably isn't the son of God, the man who created us, who created everything in the span of 7 days or however the story goes, and there probably isn't any truth to the beliefs the religious hold onto so tightly. They're just stories.

But the people who just trust the history, they think we just die and there's nothing after and time just keeps going on and on, that this is all there is and ever was and ever will be? Maybe they're right. I never ever believed that. Ever. As I was writing that, I started to believe it and it makes me sick.

I believe in something else, that we are just a tiny tiny fraction of this. A blip. This is not just it. Earth? It's really unimpressive if it is. There has to be more out there. Even though man has gone to the root of everything imaginable, molecules, atoms, space, there's more. What are souls? What are dreams? What are emotions? What is love? Those things are inexplicable to any man, any great scientist. I curse science. We figured out how to survive. Why go further? Why remove virtually all curiosity from this planet? Now everything has an explaination. We've been to space. We've scoured the ocean. We've cut into our bodies, we know everything that's in there. Man thinks he knows everything. It scares me that I'm at the top. I'm in the present. This is the most advanced we've ever been, because we just keep going higher, further. That is what terrifies me, not what's after, or else out there.

We did it wrong. They did. I had no part in it, if we're going by the rules the men made before me. This is why I believe we desperately need a reset. A big, fat reset on humanity, on this planet everyone seems to "care" so much about. It's truly my wish. My biggest wish in the world. If someone, something, magic, could grant any wish in the world, my wish would be to take it all away. Erase everything and let us start over. Please.

Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if I had a harder life. I didn't have a hard life. I was just alone, with nobody but myself to draw these conclusions from. I have so much guilt for everything I've ever felt in my life, because if I had a harder life, maybe I would be more grateful. But all I have is all my feelings nobody will ever understand, and all the guilt in the world. Everyone, give me your guilt. It should be mine. Everyone who has ever existed, everyone who now exists, give me your guilt, and I will bear it. It's the least I can do, and possibly the most.

Does it cost too much for me to be here? Should I just stop existing? Would that make it better for everyone? Or is that my selfish, selfish guilt talking? I've been called selfish. I've been called stupid and shallow and a bad bad person. It only adds to my guilt. I think I am perpetually guilty. I was born guilty. Is it even more selfish to shed my guilt? Or will it add to my guilt to bear it forever? It's a terrible dilemma. Do I shed my guilt because it isn't a real problem and other people have it worse, have real life things to worry about like money and death? Or do I bear the guilt of everyone in the world, is that the best thing I could possibly do for this Earth?

I will never ever know the answer to that. Maybe one day I will find someone who could tell me. Through my guilt, I have but one desire. Someone to love me unconditionally, someone to love me most. It's the most selfish thing I could ever want. Someone to tell me I don't need to be guilty. I think all my guilt will disappear in the wind when someone tells me that it's okay. That I'm not the worst person in the world, that I have no reason to be guilty. You're probably thinking, you need to forgive yourself, no one else can do it for you. I really hope not. I think that's what soulmates are for. Karmic soul partners. I think guilt is my karma. It's the reason I'm here, guilt has been a parasite on my soul for a very long time, and my purpose is to rid of it. And maybe my soulmate or whatever it may be, is finally here this time to relieve me of it. I think I've been at this a very, very long time. I don't think this is the first time I've done this, or even written this. I think I've done this an infinity of times before, and here's to hoping I find my reliever this time.

I need someone to understand what I'm saying. I need a little help. I don't know how to find this person. I know he?s out there. I need someone to forgive me so I can move. on.

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